Family Dynamics

A summer of intense family life reinforces and tempers relationships:

• Spouse - we are in the thick together, yet sometimes I feel as if we have a separation agreement. My spouse moves further along the continuum of separation and isolation. I have to let him go. He needs space. When he is surrounded by people, he shuts off the world. I worry because his direction seems to be toward emptiness. It is not a direction I want to go.
• Mother - my mother sets the example. She packs her bag and comes along for the ride for two weeks of family vacation. She plays rigorous Scrabble, paints flower bouquets, and wins at bocce. She remains independent and strong despite her 91 years. I try to mother my adult children without smothering them, trying to care for them and listen to them without getting in their way. My children mother their children, attending to hurts and the mind boggling daily demands for love, attention, discipline. My sisters mother their children, launching a son in medical school and struggling with the growth of a fatherless 12 year old. My sister-in-law wears herself out with a wedding for her daughter, who leaves happy - and married.
• Grandmother - my mother seeks to relate to each grandchild ranging from the alienated soldier whom she reaches by phone to the older ones with their own children - her greatgrandchildren. I love my own grandparent relationship; there is magic in amusing and playing with these little people who change moods so suddenly.
• Sister - my role as the bossy older sister gets in my way. I try not to manage this relationship but enjoy it. Each sister is at a different stage of life. One has almost launched her children; one is struggling with the loss of two of her children to her angry ex-spouse. These relationships strengthen over the years, but we have to work hard at connecting the synapses as our own lives have grown in individual directions. My daughters, whose lives have also grown in different directions, now relate as adults and have found new bonds where they enjoy being together despite their differences. My niece gave a moving toast to her sister at her wedding and demonstrated a real bond despite several years of geographical separation.
• Daughter - I accept my mother for who she is and try not to coddle her. My sisters assume different roles, one more protective, one more removed. I respect her independence. My daughters look to me for an unknown. I try to fill a role in their lives but do not always define the target correctly. The gap may be because they must grow independently. I try not to interfere, try to listen. Little Abby and Molly are the new daughters in the family. Abby has clearly established her role, knowing Mommy and Daddy as prime figures in her life. Molly, now the center of attention, has yet to blossom into this knowledge.

All these roles come into play simultaneously as we move through walks to the beach, bike rides, breakfasts, unexpected visits, family events. There is less time for quiet conversation so we depend on our instincts for communication. As the perspectives grow, change, and multiply, there is the risk that lines drawn between people and relationships will break because there is not the right attention. Some lines survive with benign neglect; others need constant cultivation or remedial attention. As we age and these dimensions become more complex, it is not clear if the road map becomes more distinct or more dispersed.