2008 Ramblings - New Beginnings

I am recuperating from a cold/flu after a wonderful three-week trip to Chile. The healing is forcing me to slow down as I regroup in a new direction. My 'work' ended in December. The trip was a good interlude of excitement and variety. Now that I have returned I need to pick up my life and turn it in a new direction:

• The book - I will talk today with Lynne to see if we can move forward;
• Yoga - I have found 3 sessions a week I can begin;
• Writing - I can try to write each day: journey? holiday?
• Genealogy - I can finish transcribing the data from one computer to another
• Clean up the house - Go through and throw things out - let go!
• Relationships - Reconnect with friends; develop new relationships with my grandchildren, creating special occasions; take care of my mother; learn a new relationship with Dennis - after all we are now both retired;
• TTN - Explore programs;
• Painting - Get out the paints on a regular basis/take a course;
• Study - explore local classes and work on Spanish Rosetta Stone;
• Projects - finish up all those little mending projects; get Bose equipment fixed.
• Explore - try something new.

Right now I am looking for the energy to get started. I feel a bit sluggish. I am not discouraged and do not feel that work is pressing - except the spare change is always nice.

No Longer Belonging

I walked into the room of people, seeing familiar faces known for over thirty years. Plates of food - cheese cubes, grapes, dip - made an inviting centerpiece on the coffee table. Neighbors clustered around on stools and folding chairs, creating a close conversational circle in the small living area of a summer cottage. We were gathered for the annual rite of a meeting of a small homeowners association at a seasonal beach community.
These events over the years have rarely been free of controversy. Heated discussions have turned a short agenda into a marathon six hour session. Unit owners have turned these meetings into venting opportunities, thinly veiled in civility. The controversies initially were seemingly minor issues, much ado about nothing. There was once a claim of 'stealing a corner of the sky' when a minor renovation altered the view of another. There have been cries of 'light pollution' caused by garish outdoor lights, one fixture defended as a 'nightlight for my granddaughter'. The flagpole controversy pitted two households against each other, feuding about the height and the noise of flapping halyards. Political parties have emerged as a result of landscape decisions: the barren 'I'm allergic to pine' faction; the 'I love the wild, unkempt, natural look' group; and the 'Let's hire a professional landscape design firm' pretty boys. The major result was a $7000 planting of trees along the dirt road where no one could see them, trees now for lack of care are naturally entangled in vines . Discussions have led to motions made and withdrawn; to decisions made with incomplete information, spurred by the emotion of the moment; and to little recollection or documentation of what really occurred - democracy at its messiest. All this pontification ironically often led nowhere, to nothing being done. This group has revisited many a controversy again the next year. While the association ostensibly follows Robert's Rules of Order, the results usually reflect an unruly propensity to emotion, opinion, and inaction.
In the last ten years the stakes have heightened considerably. The real estate value of this seaside community has increased geometrically. Jealous claims of viewscapes now threaten more than visual investments. In 1995 we rebuilt our little shack, winterizing it, making a summer cottage into a modest year round escape. It triggered a volcanic reaction - new controls in height, land use, gardening limits. A board of a few began to introduce strictures and to dictate new rules to hold change in check. My husband sued everyone, including me, claiming abuse of governance. By including me he wanted to make it clear I was not party to his suit, not the way I choose to solve petty problems. Despite this curious situation, we have remained married for 39 years. The dispute was ultimately resolved by arbitration, and the group returned to guarded civility, the early summer memories of shared clam chowder and common biking adventures long gone.
The year's Columbus Day meeting opened on the backdrop of a second lawsuit. This time I joined with my husband. I know all friendship has been lost, so my goal now is to clarify our operations so the next generation has a framework for making decisions. Relationships may mend over time but are more likely to heal with our children when the days of the 'troubles' are more distant memories. Although this step has been painful, my goal is to balance emotion and opinion with legality as we may decisions.
The lawsuit grew out of a decision to deny a modest increase to our home. Since we rebuilt our house, four other families have renovated or restructured their houses. These changes to homes, all bigger than ours, have been approved and resulted to major changes in the overall community. Our attempt to gain a hearing for a minor enhancement to our house fell on deaf ears and was delayed for over six years, not even able to get on the agenda, until it was ultimately denied last fall. Reasons - or emotions - flooded the airwaves: 'Not your turn.' 'Legality.' 'Fairness.' 'Lack of clear ownership.' 'No need.' 'Encroachment.' The message was clear; we would not get a fair hearing, and we sued, not only for a small increase but also for improved governance.
This backdrop of anger and emotion colored the atmosphere of this year's annual meeting. Although we were greeted and seated like old times, the body language of a few who chose to sit apart and outside the circle conveyed the real message. As usual, we debated the mundane, reviewing old minutes, controversial over several years, no one caring about the content but editing the words, as if the correct adjective will correct the wrongs. We deferred the items of major concern, increased well expenditures and insurance anomalies. The central focus of the conversation was a proposal from yet again another house, requesting a reconfiguration and new construction. We had mentally prepared a litany of reasons to object, issues raised against our proposal - footprint, encroachment, bulk - should any of them be considerations? We ultimately voted to support the request because we believe they have the right to make this change, just as we believe we have that right.
The air cleared a little. We were invited to tour the new house under construction. We had brief conversations about fishing and winter plans. I was thanked profusely for work I had done over the past few years, work put on hold by lawyers. This veneer of small talk in no way covers the fissure that divides this group. Regardless of the outcome of negotiation, arbitration, judges or juries, we are now outsiders, shunned by the group. Healing will take a long time.

Huckleberry Finn

What a delightful adventure to navigate the Mississippi with Huck Finn and Jim. Mark Twain captures the dialogue and the drawl of the south and captivates us with the escapades of the runaways. The language becomes synonymous with the flowing river moving us downstream and more deeply into the story. Twain threads both of these characters and their companion Tom Sawyer through many tight holes. They are always caught in their mischief, knotted in a web of white lies and charades . The magic of character and language are embedded in humor, but often a chuckle leads to the deeper moral question of slavery, of government, and of religion. Twain has created these characters many times over, dressing them in roles to keep their identities hidden. Both Huck and Jim, at one point, are attired as women - none too successfully. We see Huck and Tom charading as others and getting lost in their new family trees - Huck as Tom Sawyer and then Tom as Sid Sawyer. Jim also gets to play a frightening creature to scare others who might find him on the raft; at one point he is pretending to be a runaway slave, which is the truth in disguise. On their journey Huck and Jim encounter the duke and the dauphin, another pair pretending to be what they are not and eventually getting caught up in their make believe. We seem them as rapscallions, then as the royal pair, and ultimately on the stage in Shakespearean roles. There are many layers of this fiction. Twain excels at veiling the reality of his characters with other fictional roles and weaving their fortunes and misfortunes into a lively tale. In the end, we can only, like Jim, accept them all these personae as ghosts who will haunt the world of fiction for a long time to come.

November Interlude

Perhaps aging is the November interlude of life. At this point in the year the Halloween excitement has passed. Although the holiday decorations are going up earlier and earlier, the Christmas spirit is not in the air. The leaves are still falling, but the thrill of autumn's brilliance has diminished. The weather is cool; the days are solid; the snow has not yet begun to build up its residue along the roads. We who have reached the end-of-career stage have moved beyond the costumes and the resplendent glories of life. The trick or treat bag is put away; we have built whatever nest egg we could. We have walked off the stage of life and put away the dress up. November is a time of honesty. We see the bare branches as the leaves fall away. The cool air demands the jacket; the wind makes the blood flow. The gardens fade, and the earth returns to a state of hibernation. The days are shorter; our time is shorter. We no longer have the leisure of summer. We are ready to hunker down. The message of November is not that life is through but a return to the basics, the essentials of what matters. The ornament is removed. November demands that we turn within and nurture our own fire, one with glowing coals, no longer one of shooting flames.

Negative Space

In art class we are taught to look not at the object but the space around it. Does negative space apply to other problems in life? I think so. A pressing problem is the decision on Block Island to approve our application for enhancements to the house. The application is cut and dry - an addition around the current footptint and a raised corner with a balcony. The negative space around the application is a sea of emotions, opinions, assumptions, and assertions that make the application stand out. The outcome of the request gets lost in all this sea and bleeds into the swirl like watercolor paint. The application and its attendant fragments lie against a background of controversy, accusation, and insult that has gone on for years. It is difficult to separate it out and isolate it on its merits. As with art the negative spaceof the opposition makes the applciation stand out.

Start of the Year

September starts the year in many ways. There are the memories of school: new clothes, new books, new classrooms, new teachers, new places, new friends. There is also the edge, the excitement that is associated with something new. The weather changes and moves us from slow energy and sluggish summer days to brisk air and bright leaves. Autumn's arrival is also a reminder of the seasonal cycle. It brings the anticipation of cold, dark days of solitude and shelter. Autumn is the time to harvest for the season ahead. Energy comes in bursts. There is a need to start something new - signing up for a course, committing to exercise, organizing a book group, writing that first book. The autumn of life also brings new energy and excitement. The routines of midlife - career, child-raising, dailiness - give way to new time: unscheduled days, moments for lingering, opportunities to explore new paths. Regardless of financial wherwithal or a healthy body, the mind and spirit know that the fleeting years do not offer many more opportunities for renewal. This seasonal energy becomes far more important at later life than it ever was when the elementary school bus stopped at the corner.

Family Dynamics

A summer of intense family life reinforces and tempers relationships:

• Spouse - we are in the thick together, yet sometimes I feel as if we have a separation agreement. My spouse moves further along the continuum of separation and isolation. I have to let him go. He needs space. When he is surrounded by people, he shuts off the world. I worry because his direction seems to be toward emptiness. It is not a direction I want to go.
• Mother - my mother sets the example. She packs her bag and comes along for the ride for two weeks of family vacation. She plays rigorous Scrabble, paints flower bouquets, and wins at bocce. She remains independent and strong despite her 91 years. I try to mother my adult children without smothering them, trying to care for them and listen to them without getting in their way. My children mother their children, attending to hurts and the mind boggling daily demands for love, attention, discipline. My sisters mother their children, launching a son in medical school and struggling with the growth of a fatherless 12 year old. My sister-in-law wears herself out with a wedding for her daughter, who leaves happy - and married.
• Grandmother - my mother seeks to relate to each grandchild ranging from the alienated soldier whom she reaches by phone to the older ones with their own children - her greatgrandchildren. I love my own grandparent relationship; there is magic in amusing and playing with these little people who change moods so suddenly.
• Sister - my role as the bossy older sister gets in my way. I try not to manage this relationship but enjoy it. Each sister is at a different stage of life. One has almost launched her children; one is struggling with the loss of two of her children to her angry ex-spouse. These relationships strengthen over the years, but we have to work hard at connecting the synapses as our own lives have grown in individual directions. My daughters, whose lives have also grown in different directions, now relate as adults and have found new bonds where they enjoy being together despite their differences. My niece gave a moving toast to her sister at her wedding and demonstrated a real bond despite several years of geographical separation.
• Daughter - I accept my mother for who she is and try not to coddle her. My sisters assume different roles, one more protective, one more removed. I respect her independence. My daughters look to me for an unknown. I try to fill a role in their lives but do not always define the target correctly. The gap may be because they must grow independently. I try not to interfere, try to listen. Little Abby and Molly are the new daughters in the family. Abby has clearly established her role, knowing Mommy and Daddy as prime figures in her life. Molly, now the center of attention, has yet to blossom into this knowledge.

All these roles come into play simultaneously as we move through walks to the beach, bike rides, breakfasts, unexpected visits, family events. There is less time for quiet conversation so we depend on our instincts for communication. As the perspectives grow, change, and multiply, there is the risk that lines drawn between people and relationships will break because there is not the right attention. Some lines survive with benign neglect; others need constant cultivation or remedial attention. As we age and these dimensions become more complex, it is not clear if the road map becomes more distinct or more dispersed.